I wanted to be rescued just like my mother did because I was fed stories of fairy tale princesses as a child and nothing else in regards to how women became powerful and because I didn't believe I could rescue myself. I didn't believe I could create a happy stable home(unlike the one I grew up in) without a man after all a woman cannot create a baby on her own. I want a happy stable home with a man because I would feel more complete. I can have what I want but in order to be in relationship with a man with the capacity to build a happy stable home I must first heal the toxic belief systems that have prevented this relationship from happening. At a very young age I judged my parents as sad, weak, broke, and alone and vowed never to be that. I spent many years chasing thrills for a sense of adventure, being overly aggressive, chasing financial stability instead of my dream, and staying in unsatisfactory romantic relationships as a result.
At first I got with men that were easily controlled. I could be the boss. If I created the perfect man then I would get what I want. When that didn't work I got with men who at least had a lot of money. At least this way the father of my children would be able to provide for the family but my desire for security caused me to ignore other truths about these men that were not in alignment with my truths and the spiritual code of conduct I have with myself. I spent many years breaching the code I have with myself for love so that I could finally have the thing I wanted in life more than anything else, a family of my own. I realize now I didn't want a family so that I could be love in love with itself. I wanted a family so that I could control it and be a demonstration of what I think family looks like. Wanting to be a demonstration of a healthy family does not make me a bad person. But I was never going to be able to build a healthy family until I addressed these lethal pathologies.
Wanting to be with a man that is established does not make me a bad person. But I was never going to be able to put out the energy needed to attract an established person until I became established in who I am. Wanting to control and manipulate people, change them into who I wanted them to be for me, absolutely made me a bad person. And once I became aware of my behavior I was able to do something about it. My pattern to settle for what's available instead of what's possible created the trigger for my control issues. I now understand that I was only receiving physical manifestations of energy I was putting out so the next time someone displays a behavior I am not comfortable with I must first ask myself how have I, in the moments leading up to this, behaved in this way or exuded this type of energy. I'm realizing now, I need a man. I need a man because I cannot create a baby on my own and I love being around masculine energy.
*pause for dramatic effect
At the moment of me writing that last statement I felt fire in my chest. As if I had built a fortress around my heart and it was being burned to the ground.
I need a man. I always looked at that statement as one only a weak minded woman would say. Now that I have developed clarity, authenticity, & remembered value I can see that statement is being made by a courageous & complete woman. A woman who is willing to admit she cannot create life on her own. A woman who is willing to admit she loves masculine energy. I see now the feeling of wholeness does not come from a place of what you have but from a place of what you be. I used to think my problems in relationships were because I was choosing the wrong people. Now I see it was because I was attracting like minded people. I feel excited about the type of people I get to attract now.